13 April 2016

Asvsalamualaikum

Wow!  It has been a long time since I last have any words written in my 'story-crave' blog. Well, actually there is a lot to say, but I was mighty busy with my life as a matured PhD student. I am glad to say that I am nearing the end of my slightly turbulence (the hiccups I encountered in my study is peanuts in comparison to some other students) PhD journey. Nonetheless, I am still far from the end. After almost 3.5 years in not-so-smooth sail, I managed to finish up the first draft of all the 6 chapters of my thesis just recently before reporting to work this coming 17th April, 2016. Such a relieve! But really? In truth, I need a lot more time to polish my thesis. Nevertheless, for now, I just want to relax and unwind my brain from thinking about my thesis. Let my mind rest for a while before progressing into the next phase of my PhD voyage. 

Tracing back 3.5 years ago, I felt that I haven't been spending enough time into my PhD. Prior to my status as a student, quite a number of times I attended courses in preparing myself into the reality of being a PhD student. There was a lot of tips of do's and don'ts of  PhD study. Being an avid person, I tried to conform to the advice of the gurus. Thus, I set my mind that I shall finish my PhD in four years time, latest. I started to schedule my time accordingly hoping that I would be able to discipline myself. Unfortunately, things were not as easy as I envisioned for my PhD process. There was a lot more to the factual of life than the wisdom of those who have acquired their PhD.

Most often than not, I had difficulty to stick to my planned schedule. There was always a devil in me which kept on luring my attention into doing some other unrelated tasks at hand. As much as I wanted to fight the war within myself, I always got defeated by my own laziness.  The plague of my intellect being even slowed me down with regret and uncertainty. At one point, I regretted my decision to embark into the unfamiliar facade of the PhD world. The most deadening moment was when I continuously pondered into my PhD path in everything I did, such as during eating, sleeping, outing and even private moment in the bathroom. It was sickening to the core to dwell on my PhD at all times. I just couldn't stop putting off the word "PhD' from my living self. But do I have a choice. Nobody forced me to join the world of PhD 'travelers'. The decision was entirely taken up by me because the need to upgrade my knowledge had overcome any hint of negativity associated with PhD process. I kept on telling myself "If someone can do it, so do I, In Sha Allah"

Actually, there is more to share in this post but I am too tired to continue. Maybe later ....

Till the next post.

Adios...

-Originally written in October 2012-

Assalamualaikum...

Yeyyyy!..I am on my sponsored PhD leave...Alhamdullillah...After almost 6 years in the teaching field dealing with life at campus (students, bosses and colleagues), I need a break.

Weeks before I was to register at USM, I took all my 2012 leave entitlement. Still remember the day I said good bye to my room. Yuppp..the 22nd September 2012...So very sad I will not be able to have the room again once I got my PHD. Hu hu hu.....Sad to leave my office and yet at the same time could't wait to relinquish my position as a coordinator. Although I had another year to go, the management willingly approved of my resignation as a coordinator. Things are made easy for me. On the day I bid goodbye to friends and staff, actually I have almost a month of doing nothing! FABULOSO!!! Hmmm...)

At first,  I thought of preparing myself for whatever is waiting for me once I embark into my PHD journey. BUT HECK! I was too lazy to start anything. I told myself enjoy the free time without thinking while it last. And for that I did. Spent most of my time outing with hubby and kids, watching DVD and going to cinemas. Never was in my mind thinking of my PHD. THAT WAS  A LIE! I did think of my PHD journey but my mind was always calculating all the things that I was going to endeavor...hehheheeh..(evil laugh).

DREAM VS REALITY

Assalamualaikum...

Long ago, when I was still in the USA, one Malaysian prestigious university offered me a scholarship to do master and PhD. At first, the idea of getting the scholarship excited me but the prospect after graduation was not attractive enough to my ambitious self. So, I decided to just let it go and pursued my ambition to be a banker. After a few years being a banker and later worked my way to other private sectors in the US (mostly on the management and customer service area), I decided that the long hours and fast pace life ( I always had to watch my in and out of the office) is not my cup of tea. Finally, I settled down with my husband who fully approved my new position as a full time housewife. For a few years, I was a 'mak datin' in my own home attending to the hectic and hassle of a household. Love every minute of my time as a 'datin', wife and mother. Nobody pressured me for datelines. I was my own boss except to Allah and my hubby. My routine would be to wake up late and did some household chores plus taking care of my babies. Once all were done, I would seat myself on a soft and comfortable sofa with the curtain drawn to enjoy all the programs on TV. Snuggling with my babies with all the time I had was such a blessing!

Honestly, there were times during my "mak datin-ship" I felt a little bit inferior and envious of those women with a career. But the freedom and enjoyment of being my own boss surpassed the need to impress others with a career. As a result, I had almost 7 years of luxurious freedom which I will never experience ever again in the near future- not until I retire. Of course, it will never be the same: I will be an aging retiree with grown up children and different set of thinking.  As the time went by, my mother's constant bickering on my being a full time housewife impelled me to find a job almost 6 years ago. I was never pushing myself above my capability. Being a domestically laid back and simple person, finding a job that suited me was not easy. The only option that fit my criteria is to be a teacher since the working hours will not be as long as those of other sectors. 

Hence, getting into a KPLI program is the answer to my dilemma. Then, there was the question of leaving my babies to other's care and not be able to enjoy the comfort of my home as I used to be. Nevertheless, I applied the KPLI program and failed the interview session. Just imagine a heavy set 9-months- pregnant woman in an interview to be a teacher! I was 10 days to delivering my third child and did not much care of what I answered to the panel because I already had the instinct that I would not get it. I guess Allah knew how I really felt (that time) about leaving my responsibilities as a wife to my hubby and a mother to my kids.  But, my mother was always breathing down on my neck. "You have the qualification. Why not find a job. You cannot be depending on your husband forever. If things turn bad who is gonna support you?" Ok Ok mom. I would do as you requested. So, that was the beginning.....

But truthfully, I did not push my way out to find a job. Just by coincidence, my current employer needed more lecturers for its operation. So, without thinking whether I was able or not in teaching, I applied the position as an educator. Not in a million years I expected myself getting the job. I applied the job with the intention of meeting my mother's request and at the same time utilizing my qualification for a good deed. After a few months, I got the interview letter from XXXX. Frankly, I was a bit nervous because I was to prepare a mock teaching material to be presented to panels of experienced educators. Since I was not putting high hopes and expecting much, I was quite relax and confident when the day came. Most amazingly, this time around I was again pregnant with my 4th child-if not mistaken about 10 weeks. Just imagine having the morning sickness and all those symptoms of early pregnancy. Add to that is the unsystematic way the interview was conducted. Luckily, when my number was called up I did not puke on the faces of the panel interviewers. If I did, it would serve them right for making me wait for long hours! 

In short, I got the job. Although at first I was a bit reluctant and set myself terms and conditions on my new appointment as an educator in Kedah, I surprised myself by being loyal to my employer for almost 6 years now. TODAY, HERE I AM STRIVING FOR MY PhD UNDER XXXX SPONSORSHIP! YAHOOOOO?!!!! HMMMM...I have mixed feeling on this....

The reality check is that I never dreamt to be an educator. Always wanted to be a banker or corporate figure. But here I am an educator who loved every minute of her time as a finance lecturer to the many knowledge-hungry young generations and in the process of getting her “doctorship”  which she herself is not certain where it is going to bring her the next 3 or so years.

It is then safe to say "YOU MAY DREAM BUT IT IS ALWAYS ALLAH WHO SET OUR PATH IN LIFE"

  

Newborn

As salam...

Hmmm..Very new in blogging..Need a mother to nurse me...hahhahah...just like a newborn....